There’s something I need to say before I can write the things I want to write next. In the last 3 months I have been diagnosed as AuDHD — both autistic and ADHD. I have resisted writing about this here because this blog isn’t a place for big declarations, and I don’t want this to become one. But I’ve come to understand that to keep writing posts in the future and what about comes next for me, I need to acknowledge my past — and a large part of that past was shaped by something I didn’t have a name for until recently. This post is that acknowledgment.
It started as questions that had festered for 20 years. Why do I feel awkward around people? Why is it hard to make new friends? Why do I feel emotions so intensely? Why am I tired all the time? Why am I so verbose? Why is it so hard to start doing things? Why is my house always messy? All these things were pushed down as “that’s just me”, “I’m introverted” and “I’m being lazy, I need to push through”.
And then I burnt out. Badly. Life became little more than wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. This is existing, not living.
About 12 months ago a very dear friend and I were spending an afternoon talking. She is neurodivergent, and we have always got on really well, though I never understood why. The conversation about her experiences resonated… a lot… and my experiences resonated with her too and that’s when she said it “I think you might be neurodivergent – you should get assessed”.
I didn’t want to believe it – I’ve been told all my life that I couldn’t be Autistic or have ADHD – the autistic kid is the nonverbal kid rocking in his chair in the corner, and the ADHD kid is the one who can’t shut up and is running around pulling people’s hair in class. I am just me, just introverted. At the same time, I so desperately wanted it to be true as well, to finally be able to get answers to all those lingering thoughts.
I started researching online. I followed podcasts. I watched YouTube videos “5 Signs You Are Autistic”. Every single one of them felt like someone was in my room watching my behaviour. I did free online quizzes – I was a “high scorer” with probable autism and ADHD. It was getting harder to ignore.
I made an appointment with my GP. “I’d like to explore the possibility I’m autistic and have ADHD” I asked, the GP said “Yes, based on your mental health plans, it’s quite likely – because having generalised anxiety disorder for 10 years usually indicates some other things are at play”.
I book with the psychologist I have been seeing on and off for the last few years. “I think I might be autistic and maybe have ADHD”. The psychologist told me how she has reviewed my notes from the last sessions I had with her a few years back, and how she has since done a lot of training in neurodivergence and neuro-affirming psychology and apologises for not seeing it last time and she definitely thinks I am at the very least autistic, before giving me some recommendations on who to get a formal assessment from.
My formal assessment happened in February. It consisted of a number of questionnaires (CATI, CATQ, ASRS-5, DIVA-5) and a MIGDAS-2 Interview. Some additional questionnaires were completed to rule out Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and other contra-indicators.
The result was a formal diagnosis of Autism Level 2 and Inattentive ADHD — together, AuDHD. Not autism plus ADHD, but a distinct neurotype where the two interact, overlap, and sometimes contradict each other.
One thing the assessment made clear is that I am extremely high masking, which means I can present as neurotypical to the point that most people would never question it. That ability comes at a significant personal cost — masking is a learned, largely unconscious response to pressure to conform, and sustaining it requires constant cognitive effort that compounds over time into exhaustion.
The last 3 months are only a start to what is a long journey towards gaining an appreciation for my neurotype and working with it rather than against it, and start finding the additional supports I need to navigate life in a kinder way to myself.
I do plan to write about what I learn and the resources I find, but that cannot happen without this post first.
You can call me TribesmanJohn, and I’m an AuDHDer.